Saturday, August 23, 2014

College Worries

     Here I sit on an early Saturday morning while everyone else is sleeping updating my blog.  In a mere two days I will be heading back to college to continue my education, this time I will be heading back as a full time student.  To be completely honest with you I am 100% scared to be a full time student.  I don't know how anyone does it at all.  Let me rephrase what I just said.  I do not know how anyone manages to be a student, work a job, and be a parent all at the same time.

     I am increasingly worried about failing.  I am worried about letting myself down.  I am worried about letting my wife down.  I am worried about letting my little girl down.  I want to strive to become the first college graduate in my family.  I want to have my wife stay at home and raise our daughter.  I want to be able to provide the best possible life that I can for them.  If I fail, all of this will not happen at all.

     My problem is my life has mostly been nothing but one failure after another.  I really do not have the confidence in myself that I can accomplish this.  I know I need to gain the confidence, because if i don't, then beginning this Monday I will be in BIG TROUBLE.  I will be setting myself up for instant failure.  I really do not know how to gain the confidence that I need for this.  Everyone tells me that I am smart, and all I need to do is apply myself.  When you have failed a lot of times in your life like I have, you loose your confidence, you loose your mojo and you do not know how to get it back.  You become use to the utter stench of failure.  Eventually, after wearing the stench of failure for a while you begin not to notice it.  The stench becomes a part of you.


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