Mormonism and A few other musings

     I know it has been 4 months since I have updated my blog and I have said that I will try and update this blog every month, but literally a lot has happened in my life that I have not had the time to update this blog.  First, there are three big items of news, my marriage has ended, I have a new girlfriend whom I love and care for very much, and she accepts me for who I am, finally I have officially left the Mormon church for good this time. 
     First my marriage, I am not going to get into full detail here on the internet.  Let me just say this...my marriage ending is for the best.  I have moved on and I hope my ex wife can move on.
     Now onto the Mormon church.  This is a church that has been in my life since my father introduced me to it when I was 9 years old.  I have been in and out of this faith a lot over my life.  I even got married in the temple for time and all eternity.  Those of you who have read my blog, or for those who have not (you can read my past posts) you know what I have written about the church.  However, for myself I now fully understand that all of what I wrote was not true.  I was simply trying to make myself believe that the Mormon church was true.  I was trying to please other people instead of making myself happy.  I tried for a long time (several years) to make the church true.  I visited temples, read the Bok of Mormon, attended church, held callings, talked to my wife, bishop, friends...etc.  I had questions, questions that nobody would answer, or could answer, or just did not care to answer.  I was told to pray about my concerns, or "does this matter to your salvation" every time I had a question.  The fact is, all of my questions depended on my salvation because they had to do with the validity of the Mormon church.  The church does claim to be the only true church out there and the only way to salvation. 
     One other reason I cannot belong to this church anymore is because it does not hold or represent the same values that I believe in.  I believe in equal rights for all, this includes marriage.  Yes, I 100% support gay marriage, the Mormon church does not.  How can I belong to any religion that does not have the same values that I believe in?  Along with a few other values that I believe in but the church does not but I will not get into here.
     Here is a website that depicts the Mormon religion from Biblical Christianity:

http://www.cultwatch.com/Mormon.html

Random Thoughts

     I finally realized a few weeks ago that I was needing to update this blog.  Life has been keeping me very busy with work, school, and family.  Here I am finally updating.  

     Thanksgiving is only a few days away as I write this, but I do not want to make this post about what I am thankful for in my life.  I have already done that several times over the years.  Instead I want to make this update about how my life has been going so far, and most importantly where I want it to go in the future.  That future could be a few days, weeks, months, or perhaps years from now.  I want to make a new effort to always put my family first in my life.  My wife and my daughter are everything to me and I am glad that I have them in my life.  Family not only includes my wife and daughter, but also my father and my nieces and nephews.  I love each and everyone of my nieces and nephews and my life is more enriched because of them.  It has now been six months since the passing of my mother to cancer.  On May 16, 2015 I hope to enter the Anchorage, Alaska temple with my father, and with my wife acting as a proxy for my mother, I hope to be sealed to my parents for time and all eternity.  My daughter has this, my wife has this with her parents, and next year I hope to have this.  I know my mother is on the other side of the veil learning about the gospel, and hoping she will accept it.  I know that through the power of the Priesthood, and in his holy temples, families can be eternal.  What would heaven be like without our family?

     Education is something that is not only important to my religion, it is something that I hold very dear to myself personally.  As a former elementary education major I believe that education should be made available to all citizens of this great country of ours, and our states and federal government should invest more in making this possible.  I am continuing my education at University of Alaska-Anchorage.  All is going well, so far.  However, I personally know that I can and need to do better.  I need to devote more time to my study, especially my weak areas.  I need to make my weak areas stronger so that in the future I become an expert at these areas.  I truly believe as my religion preaches that whatever knowledge we gain in this life we will take with us in the next life.  I need to attain all of the education I can now, not only to take with me in the next life but to become a better person and to be able to provide a better life for my family.  Also, I would like to become the first and only person in my family (myself, mom,dad, sister) to receive a college degree.  I know this is a day that I truly look to and my mother will be looking down on me from heaven.

     I need to devote more time to reading the scriptures.  I need to "feast upon the words of Christ."  By doing this I will become a more humble person.  I have not been doing this much at all this year.  However, with a new year on the horizon, will come new beginnings.  I look to the year 2015 and making this a personal goal of mine that I will obtain.

     

College Worries

     Here I sit on an early Saturday morning while everyone else is sleeping updating my blog.  In a mere two days I will be heading back to college to continue my education, this time I will be heading back as a full time student.  To be completely honest with you I am 100% scared to be a full time student.  I don't know how anyone does it at all.  Let me rephrase what I just said.  I do not know how anyone manages to be a student, work a job, and be a parent all at the same time.

     I am increasingly worried about failing.  I am worried about letting myself down.  I am worried about letting my wife down.  I am worried about letting my little girl down.  I want to strive to become the first college graduate in my family.  I want to have my wife stay at home and raise our daughter.  I want to be able to provide the best possible life that I can for them.  If I fail, all of this will not happen at all.

     My problem is my life has mostly been nothing but one failure after another.  I really do not have the confidence in myself that I can accomplish this.  I know I need to gain the confidence, because if i don't, then beginning this Monday I will be in BIG TROUBLE.  I will be setting myself up for instant failure.  I really do not know how to gain the confidence that I need for this.  Everyone tells me that I am smart, and all I need to do is apply myself.  When you have failed a lot of times in your life like I have, you loose your confidence, you loose your mojo and you do not know how to get it back.  You become use to the utter stench of failure.  Eventually, after wearing the stench of failure for a while you begin not to notice it.  The stench becomes a part of you.

   

The Happiest and Saddest Days of my Life

      I have had a lot going on with my life since my last update back in April.  In late April I took another trip home to Pennsylvania to visit my family.  Especially my mother, as her cancer had gotten progressively worse.  I received a call in early April from my father telling me that I needed to come down and visit because he did not think that my mother would make it much longer.
     During my visit I tried to spend as much time with my mother as I possibly could.  To be honest, sometimes I could not.  My mother's appearance had dramatically changed.  The cancer had taken a toll on her.  My mother had lost so much weight, I could hardly recognize her.  I loved my trip and will be forever grateful for the week I got to spend with her.  Those are memories that I will cherish forever.
     My life changed forever on May 16, 2014 at 3:18 am EST.  My father called me to notify me that my mother had finally passed away.  The cancer had finally won after a long battle.
     Since the passing of my mother I have just been going through the motions.  To be totally honest with you, for the last 6 weeks I have felt totally numb.  I don't know what to do, what to say, or even how to react.  I miss my mother terribly and besides my wife, she is the biggest woman to have had an impact on my life.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about her, and not a day goes by that I do not tell my daughter about what her grandma was like and how much her grandma loved her.

     Three days after the death of my mother, I finally began taking classes at University of Alaska-Anchorage.  This is something that I have been looking forward to for a very long time.  After taking online classes through University of Phoenix for 3 years and receiving my Associates Degree through them, I was very excited to step back into a real classroom.  I absolutely love being back inside of a real classroom.  the moment I stepped into my classroom and saw my professor face to face I was very happy.  It is very different from online to face to face.  I love being able to meet with my teacher face to face if I need some help.  That is a big advantage over the online classes.  Although, I will always value my online classes.
     Currently I am taking two classes this summer.  In the fall I will be returning full time and taking four classes.  I know this is going to be a lot of hard work, but in the end it is definitely going to be worth it.  To be able to provide the kind of life that my family deserves will be a true blessing.  I am prepared to work my butt off to accomplish all of these goals and even more.  Also, since I have started at University of Alaska-Anchorage (http://www.uaa.alaska.edu) I have changed my major.  I am no longer majoring in Elementary Education.  After months of soul searching I have changed my major to Business Administration.  I feel this is for the best, especially with massive teacher layoffs across the nation and cuts to Education budgets everywhere.  I look forward to finally achieving my dream someday of becoming a college graduate.

Changes

   
     When the year 2014 started I knew it was going to be a year of changes, I just did not realize how big the changes were going to be.  I am now fully enrolled at the University of Alaska-Anchorage.  It finally feels good to be going to a main campus instead of taking online classes.  I loved my online classes that I was taking through University of phoenix, and I would recommend University of Phoenix to anyone who asks, however after three years of taking online classes I am excited to be back inside a real classroom.
 
 I am beginning by taking two classes this summer, and then going full time in the fall with four classes.  I have also changed my major.  Right now I am undecided, however I am looking into Human Resources as my new major.  I have decided to take a different route than the path I was already on with elementary education.  I believe with all of the budget cuts going into education today, the overcrowding of classrooms, and making it hard to find a teaching job that this is not the best career path to take for myself and my family.

     I am proud of myself and of all of my accomplishments, including my Associate's Degree.  Now it is time to move onto bigger and better things with my life.  This all begins at University of Alaska-Anchorage.(http://www.uaa.alaska.edu)  I will become the first person in my immediate family to have a Bachelor's Degree.  This will become quite an accomplishment for myself and I look to the future and to achieving this dream.  With my family supporting me all of the way, who knows what the future holds for me?

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

     Another year has come and gone so here I sit early in the morning attempting to make another update to this blog.  I don't really know if anyone reads this or not, but I keep trying to update it at least once a month, so here is this month's  post. 
     The year 2013 was a year of major changes for my family and I.  The year began with my wife who was six months pregnant at the time being put on bed rest for reasons I will not get into.  The next change was a move, as we left our home and moved into another, this even meant changing wards.  We left a ward that we absolutely loved and had and still have great friends and went to another.  With my wife's bed rest even came a ten day stay in the hospital, which to be honest scared me a lot.  This is something I never want to experience again.  I am not very good at being alone.
     March saw my wife and I become parents, as our little girl was born in early March via C-section.  Becoming a parent has become one of the biggest blessings and challenges in my life, but my daughter is absolutely worth it.  Just seeing her smile and hearing her laugh makes my day.  In May my father and oldest nephew came to Alaska for my daughter's baby blessing and it was great to be able to spend five whole days with them and show them some of Alaska.  I hope to see them again soon.  In May my wife went back to work so this meant I got to be alone with my young daughter and to be perfectly honest with you, I did not do so well.  I was totally lost on how to take care of a newborn, it actually drove me to tears.  Yes, I cried because I did not know how to take care of my daughter.  I guess I am not good at taking care of newborns.  If it wasn't for my mother-in-law helping me and guiding me I would have gone crazy.  The good part is with a lot of practice I have gotten much better at tending my daughter.  Also in May I started a new job.  I now work for Fred Meyer(www.fredmeyer.com) I must say this is a wonderful company to work for and I am a proud employee and will be a loyal shopper of theirs for many years to come. 
     September brought new changes to our stake and the creation of a whole new ward.  Which my family is now in.  We are getting to meet some new wonderful people because of this, so this was now our third ward in 2013.  Hopefully the ward hopping is done for at least 2014.  Also, I received a new calling in October, as I was called to be the Elders Quorum Secretary and a Ward Missionary.
     November saw another big accomplishment in my life as I graduated from University of Phoenix with my Associates Degree in elementary education.  I am so proud of this, I never imagined this happening to me.  I cannot wait to start University of Alaska-Anchorage this coming May.
     With all of the changes in my life in 2013, I cannot wait to see what 2014 will bring.

Happy Thanksgiving

          I would lie to wish everybody out there a very Happy Thanksgiving and may we remember all of our blessings that we have be forever grateful for them. 
     I have plenty of reasons to be thankful for this holiday season and I would just like to take the time to name a couple of them.
     I am thankful for my family...this includes my wife, my daughter (without them I would not be who I am today), my parents, my nieces and nephews, my in-laws, and my brother and sister in-laws.
     I am thankful to have finally achieved my Associate's Degree.  It was a long hard three years of attending classes online but it was worth it.  Next summer I get to step back inside a real classroom and I cannot wait.
     I am thankful for anyone and everyone who has ever helped me along the way and who has been my friend.  Everyone of you will always have a special place in my heart and I will never forget anyone of you.
     I am thankful for Jesus Christ and the atoning sacrifice he made on the cross.  Through this I know I can return to live in his presence once again.
     I am thankful for my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (www.lds.org).  Through his restored church we can learn about him and learn how to return to live with him once again.  We can all learn about the Plan of Salvation.
     I am thankful for Fred Meyer. (www.fredmyer.com) Even though I have only been employed there for 6 months, I have made some wonderful friends and this is the best job I have had since moving to Alaska.
     There are plenty of more things that I have to be thankful for in my life, but this is just a few of them.

A Life Update and Associate's Degree

     It has been a while since I last updated this blog.  I did not forget about it, as I try to update it once a month.  Life just seems to get in the way with work, school, and my 8 month old precious daughter.  Here is a update on my life so far.  At the end of September our stake created new boundaries for our wards (I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, http://www.mormon.org) and a whole new ward was created which my family and I are now a part of.  It is very exciting to be a part of a new ward to see it literally being built from the ground up.  I even received a calling, as I am the Elders Quorum Secretary. 
    
     My family life is going great, as I love being a father.  Becoming a father is the greatest blessing that I could have ever received.  My daughter has a wonderful spirit about her and she is my pride and joy. 

     As for the other big news...In a few weeks I will be finished with University of Phoenix.  Finally after three long years I will have earned my associates degree.  I never thought that I would ever accomplish this in my life, however with the encouragement and love of my wife this will be accomplished, providing that I pass my final class.  Then it is off to University of Alaska-Anchorage to finish my degree.

Roots

     Right now, I guess you can say I have no roots.  I am torn between so many things.  I feel like I don't have time to really settle into things.  I have this feeling that I need to make a lot of decisions, big, important decisions.  However, I am not sure of what the decisions are.  Recently I have felt heavy.  This heaviness doesn't go away.  I have really been trying to remain positive.  If I have a bad day, I tell myself that I need to be optimistic and stop pitying myself.  I have a hard time dealing with those deep down unpleasant feelings.  Lately, these types of feelings are being uncovered and I can't seem to bury them. 
     People have asked me how I am doing.  I always smile and say that I am good.  I am having to learn that it is not ok to be good.  It's ok to have a bad month.  It's ok to tell people that I am not actually ok. 
     This sounds rather silly that I have yet to learn this, doesn't it? 
     Life is still full of good moments.  Those seconds that make you laugh from deep down inside.  Those moments of peace and comfort.  Those simple times of feeling like you can get through anything.  So while life is hard at the moment, it is also very sweet.
     I am glad that hard times are times for learning, crying, and good memories.

Regrets

     I have been thinking about what to update this blog with for the last few days now, as apparently I missed my update last month.  I want to go over some of the regrets I have been thinking about over the course my life.

1.  Not staying active in the church.  I believe my not staying active in the church did leave to me eventually leaving and not gaining a full testimony of the restored gospel, which also lead me to my next regret:
2.  Not serving a mission.  My wife served a mission and she absolutely loved her mission in Brazil.  I wish I had that type of experience in my life so that I could have helped spread the work of the kingdom on the earth.  Also, a mission is a growing experience which I think is something that I still need in my life right now.  I try to do all I can with my calling as a ward missionary and to support our local missionaries who are serving in our ward.  But still, I think back and wonder what might have been?
3.  Arizona.  I lived in Arizona for a while in 2004, and still consider it one of the best times of my life and  my favorite place to be.  I will not get into full detail about my experience there and how much I screwed up, but I will always look back with fond memories of a wonderful place with some great memories in my heart.
4.  Education.  I regret not starting my education sooner in life.  I have always wanted to be a teacher, hopefully I can make this happen.
5.  Paying attention in school.  I wish I would have paid more attention in school, if I did who knows where I might be today.
6.  Navy.  I regret not going into the Navy after I graduated.  I could have gained a world class experience and school could have been paid for.  I chickened out, and my recruiter never got me my waiver he promised me.  That is another story for another time.
7.  Not being a righteous priesthood holder.  I will not go into full details here, but I have done some things in my life that I am not proud of like everyone has, but I am trying to fix these mistakes.

     These are just some of the regrets I have in my life.  I am sure I can think of plenty more, but I do not want to make a really long blog post.

Planning

     Here I sit again at my computer updating my little blog in the big world wide web.  I have so many hopes, so many dreams that I want to accomplish with my life, sometimes I question how do I go about getting this accomplished?  Do I take Plan A, or do I take Plan B.  Perhaps I take a different path, one that is not quite so obvious. 
  
     I have flirted with doing other things with my life, taking other routes with different careers, besides what I am currently majoring in.  The fact is, it all comes down to my dream of becoming a school teacher since I was in the third grade.  Lets face it, there is nothing else that I really want to do with my life, except spend the rest of my life in school.  What that means is obtaining my education and then teaching. 

     However, there are other aspects with my life that I am currently unhappy with.  How do I go about changing them?  Hopefully, time will tell.

Fatherhood

     What is it like to be a father?  The words to express how I feel since my daughter has been born cannot be born.  The look my daughter gives me when she smiles at me, or when I look into her blue eyes just melt my heart.  When she is crying, I want to do everything I can to help her.  From being hungry, to when she has an upset tummy, as her father it is my job to help her. 
  
     I want to do my duty as a father to guide my daughter to the best of my ability.  From the time she is born, until the day she gets married and starts her own family.  To her education, to hopefully her mission, I want to be able to give my daughter everything I never had.  This begins by guiding her on the path to return to Heavenly Father and myself getting my education so I as her father can provide for her and her mother. 

     I love my daughter and my wife, and I want to give them both the world.

Major Changes

     I am sorry for the lack of updates lately over the last few months.  I know that I try to at least update this blog one time a month, but a lot has been happening in my life lately.  I will not go into all of the specific details about what has transpired, as this is going to be a pretty short post.  The biggest change is about to happen in just about 12 hours as I sit here and write this blog post.  My daughter is going to be born.  I know for myself this is a very scary thought as I never envisioned myself becoming a parent.  The truth is, when I was younger I never wanted to have children, I had no desire to have any.  It is funny how I look back now and wonder how I ever had that feeling, as now I do want children.  I want someone to carry on my name, people I can have carry on family traditions, sand to rear and raise in a righteous way.  I am so nervous that I am going to be a father, I literally have all kinds of questions running through my head right now.  I know I just need to toss those questions out of my head and do not let the adversary stand in my way and try and raise my children with the help of my wife, and Jesus Christ.

"The most important work you will ever do in this life will be within the walls of your home."  Harold B. Lee

2013

     It is funny how I sit down to write this post at the tail end of 2012 and I think about how much my life has grown and changed over the last 12 months.  How much I have grown and changed as a person, all of my accomplishments and failures.  I think about where i was this time last year and the blog post I wrote about what I wanted to accomplish in the year 2012.  Did I live up to the person I wanted ti become?  Well lets review them one by one so I can get my thoughts and feelings out and make some resolutions for the year 2013.

Leave WalMart and find a new job:  This I accomplished in August.  I left Walmart behind and have started a new job.  It was a bit shaky in the beginning but I started a new position with the company in November and now I absolutely love it.  Resolution Accomplished.

Stick with Education:  I am still attending school to become a teacher.  Resolution Accomplished.

Becoming A Father:  Our daughter is due in late March:  Resolution Accomplished.

Learn and Grow in the Gospel:  This resolution is mixed for myself.  Within the last few months I have not been attending church that much because my wife has been sick because of the pregnancy, so when she is sick I stay home and take care of her.  I also have been seriously lacking in my scripture studying and prayers.  How can one learn and grow in the sweet gospel of Jesus Christ if they are not willing to do their part?  I am making no excuses here, this is totally my fault:  Resolution Neutral.

New Calling:  I am the Secretary of the Elders Quorum in my ward and I know I have not done my job lately and I feel absolutely horrible about it.  I need to step up to the plate and take responsibility for my calling.  I love my calling and the people I work with in the calling so I need to do my part and make our quorum a successful one:  Resolution Neutral.

Become a Better Person:  I still need to do a lot of growing:  Resolution Neutral.

Now it is time for me to make some Resolutions for 2013:
I will become a father and I want to be the best father I can be.  A loving, doting, caring father to my soon to be daughter.
To receive my Associate's Degree and begin my journey to my Bachelors.  I will be receiving my Associate's in June barring no failing of classes.
To get my life back on track with the church and my Heavenly Father.  I need to dive right in and immerse myself in the gospel of Jesus Christ so I can learn and grow as a person.  The gospel is intended to make weak men strong, and strong men stronger.  I want this, I need this in my life more so I can become the kind of person my Heavenly Father knows that I can be.  I want to live up to the potential that he knows I can.
I want to do some missionary work for the church.  I do not know how I will do this yet, but I am thinking about it.  President David O. Mckay once said "Every member a missionary" and I intend to make this statement true for myself.
To Read my scriptures more and have more personal and family prayer.
To learn Portugese.  My wife served her mission in Sao Paulo Brazil and I have become obsessed with her mission lately.  Part of this obsession is trying to learn to speak Portugese.  We will see what the future hold as far as this resolution goes.
To tell and show my wife everyday how much I love her.

Reasons To Be Thankful For

I will offer to thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will ^acall upon the name of the Lord. (Psalm 116:17)

With the Thanksgiving holiday season rapidly approaching I thought I would make a list of some of the things I am thankful for this holiday season:

I am thankful for a Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ who are always there for me and for the atoning sacrifice Jesus Christ made on the cross for the sins of all mankind so that we might all have the chance to return to them and live in their presence.

I am thankful for the scriptures, no matter where I turn to in them they always provide me with the answers that I need.

I am thankful for my three families...My wife who has shown me nothing but unconditional love whom I am glad to be with for eternity, and for my soon to be daughter Tielle, I did not know I could love her already and she has not even been born yet.  My mother and father and my niece and nephews whom I love and miss very much and cannot wait to see them again.  To my mother and father in-law and all of my other in-laws, they are the best and I am blessed to have them in my life.

I am thankful for all of my friends I have in my life, Brian and Ellen.  My two best friends, even though I am thousands of miles away I value their friendships and remember the times we had in the past.  Larry, who I value like a father and brother in the gospel, I am blessed to have the opportunity that he re-baptized me and am grateful to him for never giving up on me.  To Eric, although we have only known each other a short time you are always there for me and my life is richer for having you a part of it.  All of my other friends I have made, I thank you all for being a part of my life.

I am thankful to be in school and to be reaching my dream of someday becoming a school teacher and to have the encouragement and support of friends and family who never give up on me.

I am thankful to have found a new job that I absolutely love.

I am thankful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, (www.lds.org) (www.mormon.org) and for Jesus Christ's true church restored on the earth and through his plan, and his holy temples (www.ldschurchtemples.com) we can return to live in their presence and be with our families for time and all eternity.

I am thankful for the soldiers (past, present, and future) who sacrifice their time and lives to defend our freedoms.  We all owe them brave warriors a debt of gratitude.

I am thankful to live in the greatest country in the world, the United States of America, where we all have the right to worship how we wish and to live in a democratic nation.

I am thankful for my calling in the Elders Quorum as the Secretary and to have my chance to serve Heavenly Father this way.

These are just some of the many things that I am grateful for this season.  I am sure many more will come to my mind soon.  Perhaps if they do I might update this blog again?

Obama vs Romney

     As a lot of people know I love politics, especially when it comes to the office of the President of the United States.  My wife can tell you, I watch all of the political shows no matter what channel they might be on.  We have an election coming up on November 6th for the President.  This election will decide the course of our country not only here at home, but foreign policy as well for the next four years.   have belonged to the Democratic party ever since I was first able to vote in the 1996 election.  Until recently I have decided to vote for the "other" party in this election.  Let me give you 2 reasons why I have switched my vote in this election:
1. Stagnate Economy: Obama promised an improved economy. But, the unemployment rate has remained above 8% for 43 months. Supposedly the unemployment rate has dropped to 7.8% recently, but many feel these numbers are inaccurate as the GDP did not also reflect a spiked improvement. Rosier jobs reports exist only by not counting people who have given up on looking for jobs. If these individuals were included in the jobs numbers for this country, it is estimated that the unemployment numbers would actually be around 11% or so. This generation of young adults seem to need a new nickname - the “boomerang” generation, as many young college graduates are unable to find work in this economy and are moving back in with their parents.

2.  Food Stamp Increase: Never before in the history of our country have so many Americans been on food stamps as they are right now. Food stamp spending has increased 100% since Obama took office. This can be attributed to the horrible state of the economy, and perhaps also because of the ads put out by the National Ad Council, marketing entitlements to the general public. Dependency over self-sufficiency seems to be the agenda of this administration. Especially telling American who have developed their own businesses, that “You didn’t build that!” Obama believes that the government is the answer, not creative, hard-working individuals – he couldn’t be more wrong.

     I sincerely believe these are just a few reasons why our country needs new leadership, and Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan are the people who can steer us into a new direction.  A direction of fiscal solvency, a direction that might not make it better for me, but will make this country better for my children.

Education: Is it worth it?

     Here I sit at the computer early in the morning while my wife lays asleep in bed doing some major thinking in my brain, Education: Is it worth it for myself?  I find myself on the precipice of just giving up over a lack of passing algebra once again.  I am very frustrated at spending my money on this class and not being able to pass it.  Since I must retake algebra again, this will now be my 5th time.    I am asking myself this question, is it worth spending my money on a class that I cannot pass when I have a child on the way?  The answer I keep coming up with is no.  I am literally sick and tired of putting my heart and soul into my dreams, into my education, only to keep getting let down time after time.

     I am honestly tired of being told to "keep trying", or to "never give up."  Lets be realistic here, everyone is good at something, algebra is one of my weaknesses.  Since a weakness stands in my way, I see no way of overcoming the weakness.  I put my heart and soul , mind and spirit, along with lots of prayer into passing this course this time only to once again come up short. 

     As I sit here and type this I wonder if God is even there for me, or if he even heard my prayers?  I feel my life is currently at the crossroads and I do not know which way to look for direction.  Do I want to keep going and try to achieve something that is unattainable?  Or, do I want to stop and be realistic and stray from the path of education and just work at a job and bring home a decent wage for my family?  The fact is, I do not know what to do.  Everytime I honestly put my heart and soul into something, everytime I feel that I have the confidence that I can achieve something in life, the door is constantly slammed shut in my face.  Well I am tired of having the door slammed in my face.  Maybe it is time to take the door off the hinges and throw it away and be realistic with my future.

A Year of Change

     A while ago I made a blog post titled 2012: A Year Of Change? and made a list of some of the changes that I wanted to make this year.  So far, a few of those changes that I wanted to see happen have now come to fruition.  In no particular order here they are:

1.  I am now 4 classes away from completing my Associates degree.  In January 2013 I will be halfway through my degree.  Not many people in my family can say that they have accomplished this.  I am very proud of this and it has been a lot of hard work and frustration along the way, but I am half way to achieving my goal and life long dream of finally becoming a school teacher.  Also, I know that I will be able to provide a living for my future family.

2.  Speaking of family, this topic is next.  My wife and I are expecting our first child nex year.  I look forward to the impending days of fatherhood and raising a child together with my beautiful wife, with our help, and the help of a wonderful Heavenly Father, (and family too), I know that we will be able to do this.  I am not a parent yet, but from what I have seen and talked to other parents too, being a parent is not always easy but it is worth it.  Former LDS Church President Spencer W. Kimball once said that  "A home is a haven against the storms and troubles of life."  I want my children and neices and nephews and all family and friends to know that my home will be a sanctuary to where they can come to with anything, and the spirit will always be there.

3.  This was probably my biggest concern for 2012, one that has caused me a lot of emotions over the last year or so.  I have wanted a new job.  I am proud and happy to report that August 31, 2012 will be my last day with my current employer.  I am not going to sit here and bash my current employer.  That would not be the right thing to do.  As unhappy I was with my job, I was very grateful to be employed in this economy.  The fact is, I knew it was time for a change.  I graduated high school in 1997 and obtained my first real job in 1998 in the retail industry.  This is all I have been doing for 14 years now and I just felt that it was time for a change.  I heard a piece of advice on television several years ago and for some reason it has stuck with me ever since..."The day you wake up and hate your job, you know it is time for a change."  Well it is time for a change and I am now making those changes. 

     The next several months will bring wonderful changes to my life and I look forward to those changes with much anticipation, and I wonder where the Lord will lead my life next.  As one door closes, another opens.

Fatherhood

     As you can all guess by the title of my post, I am going to be a father.  This time next year, I will really have a reason to celebrate Father's Day.  I am very excited that my wife and I are expecting, but also scared.  I am scared that I am not going to be a good enough father, or role model for my child.  I am scared that I will not live up to the standards of what a father will be.  I do know one thing, I look to the future of raising this child with my wife and applying the principals of the gospel to fatherhood, or I should say parenthood. 
    

My Visit Home

     Recently I had the opportunity to fly back home to Pennsylvania for 3 weeks to visit my family and friends that still live there.  While I mostly hung out with my family and only went a few places to visit, it was the fact that I got to return "home" and visit everyone. 

     I did get to hang out with my two best friends, Brian and Ellen.  With Brian I attended church with him, while Ellen and I went to a Pittsburgh Pirates game.  For the Pirates game we got there a bit late (3rd inning) as the 2012 Pittsburgh Arts Festival was also happening) and even though my father gave us the tickets and we had a free parking pass we could not find the lot for which we were assigned to park.  After driving around for a long time we finally found the parking lot and went into PNC Park and watched the game.  We had fourth row on the left field.  Thank you Ellen for attending the game with me and it was awesome to spend time with you.

     I also got to attend my old ward back in Pennsylvania.  It was great to see everybody again, including the person who re-baptized me into the church in 2009.  Larry you are one of my fellow Brothers-in-Christ and my thoughts and prayers are always with you.  I also attended a family reunion while there.  My aunt on my mom's side throws a family reunion every year and it was a pleasant afternoon getting to see people whom I had not seen in years.

     My father and I got to take my two oldest nephews to Kirtland, Ohio and to visit the Kirtland Temple.  My oldest nephew who is not of my faith got to see the temple and visit some of the historic sites that are offered, he even asked some really great questions.  My other nephew, I hope he remembers this visit, as i look forward to attending his baptism when he turns 8 in two years.  I enjoyed my visit home and I hope that I get to come back next year and see everybody again.