Random Thoughts

     I finally realized a few weeks ago that I was needing to update this blog.  Life has been keeping me very busy with work, school, and family.  Here I am finally updating.  

     Thanksgiving is only a few days away as I write this, but I do not want to make this post about what I am thankful for in my life.  I have already done that several times over the years.  Instead I want to make this update about how my life has been going so far, and most importantly where I want it to go in the future.  That future could be a few days, weeks, months, or perhaps years from now.  I want to make a new effort to always put my family first in my life.  My wife and my daughter are everything to me and I am glad that I have them in my life.  Family not only includes my wife and daughter, but also my father and my nieces and nephews.  I love each and everyone of my nieces and nephews and my life is more enriched because of them.  It has now been six months since the passing of my mother to cancer.  On May 16, 2015 I hope to enter the Anchorage, Alaska temple with my father, and with my wife acting as a proxy for my mother, I hope to be sealed to my parents for time and all eternity.  My daughter has this, my wife has this with her parents, and next year I hope to have this.  I know my mother is on the other side of the veil learning about the gospel, and hoping she will accept it.  I know that through the power of the Priesthood, and in his holy temples, families can be eternal.  What would heaven be like without our family?

     Education is something that is not only important to my religion, it is something that I hold very dear to myself personally.  As a former elementary education major I believe that education should be made available to all citizens of this great country of ours, and our states and federal government should invest more in making this possible.  I am continuing my education at University of Alaska-Anchorage.  All is going well, so far.  However, I personally know that I can and need to do better.  I need to devote more time to my study, especially my weak areas.  I need to make my weak areas stronger so that in the future I become an expert at these areas.  I truly believe as my religion preaches that whatever knowledge we gain in this life we will take with us in the next life.  I need to attain all of the education I can now, not only to take with me in the next life but to become a better person and to be able to provide a better life for my family.  Also, I would like to become the first and only person in my family (myself, mom,dad, sister) to receive a college degree.  I know this is a day that I truly look to and my mother will be looking down on me from heaven.

     I need to devote more time to reading the scriptures.  I need to "feast upon the words of Christ."  By doing this I will become a more humble person.  I have not been doing this much at all this year.  However, with a new year on the horizon, will come new beginnings.  I look to the year 2015 and making this a personal goal of mine that I will obtain.

     

College Worries

     Here I sit on an early Saturday morning while everyone else is sleeping updating my blog.  In a mere two days I will be heading back to college to continue my education, this time I will be heading back as a full time student.  To be completely honest with you I am 100% scared to be a full time student.  I don't know how anyone does it at all.  Let me rephrase what I just said.  I do not know how anyone manages to be a student, work a job, and be a parent all at the same time.

     I am increasingly worried about failing.  I am worried about letting myself down.  I am worried about letting my wife down.  I am worried about letting my little girl down.  I want to strive to become the first college graduate in my family.  I want to have my wife stay at home and raise our daughter.  I want to be able to provide the best possible life that I can for them.  If I fail, all of this will not happen at all.

     My problem is my life has mostly been nothing but one failure after another.  I really do not have the confidence in myself that I can accomplish this.  I know I need to gain the confidence, because if i don't, then beginning this Monday I will be in BIG TROUBLE.  I will be setting myself up for instant failure.  I really do not know how to gain the confidence that I need for this.  Everyone tells me that I am smart, and all I need to do is apply myself.  When you have failed a lot of times in your life like I have, you loose your confidence, you loose your mojo and you do not know how to get it back.  You become use to the utter stench of failure.  Eventually, after wearing the stench of failure for a while you begin not to notice it.  The stench becomes a part of you.

   

The Happiest and Saddest Days of my Life

      I have had a lot going on with my life since my last update back in April.  In late April I took another trip home to Pennsylvania to visit my family.  Especially my mother, as her cancer had gotten progressively worse.  I received a call in early April from my father telling me that I needed to come down and visit because he did not think that my mother would make it much longer.
     During my visit I tried to spend as much time with my mother as I possibly could.  To be honest, sometimes I could not.  My mother's appearance had dramatically changed.  The cancer had taken a toll on her.  My mother had lost so much weight, I could hardly recognize her.  I loved my trip and will be forever grateful for the week I got to spend with her.  Those are memories that I will cherish forever.
     My life changed forever on May 16, 2014 at 3:18 am EST.  My father called me to notify me that my mother had finally passed away.  The cancer had finally won after a long battle.
     Since the passing of my mother I have just been going through the motions.  To be totally honest with you, for the last 6 weeks I have felt totally numb.  I don't know what to do, what to say, or even how to react.  I miss my mother terribly and besides my wife, she is the biggest woman to have had an impact on my life.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about her, and not a day goes by that I do not tell my daughter about what her grandma was like and how much her grandma loved her.

     Three days after the death of my mother, I finally began taking classes at University of Alaska-Anchorage.  This is something that I have been looking forward to for a very long time.  After taking online classes through University of Phoenix for 3 years and receiving my Associates Degree through them, I was very excited to step back into a real classroom.  I absolutely love being back inside of a real classroom.  the moment I stepped into my classroom and saw my professor face to face I was very happy.  It is very different from online to face to face.  I love being able to meet with my teacher face to face if I need some help.  That is a big advantage over the online classes.  Although, I will always value my online classes.
     Currently I am taking two classes this summer.  In the fall I will be returning full time and taking four classes.  I know this is going to be a lot of hard work, but in the end it is definitely going to be worth it.  To be able to provide the kind of life that my family deserves will be a true blessing.  I am prepared to work my butt off to accomplish all of these goals and even more.  Also, since I have started at University of Alaska-Anchorage (http://www.uaa.alaska.edu) I have changed my major.  I am no longer majoring in Elementary Education.  After months of soul searching I have changed my major to Business Administration.  I feel this is for the best, especially with massive teacher layoffs across the nation and cuts to Education budgets everywhere.  I look forward to finally achieving my dream someday of becoming a college graduate.

Changes

   
     When the year 2014 started I knew it was going to be a year of changes, I just did not realize how big the changes were going to be.  I am now fully enrolled at the University of Alaska-Anchorage.  It finally feels good to be going to a main campus instead of taking online classes.  I loved my online classes that I was taking through University of phoenix, and I would recommend University of Phoenix to anyone who asks, however after three years of taking online classes I am excited to be back inside a real classroom.
 
 I am beginning by taking two classes this summer, and then going full time in the fall with four classes.  I have also changed my major.  Right now I am undecided, however I am looking into Human Resources as my new major.  I have decided to take a different route than the path I was already on with elementary education.  I believe with all of the budget cuts going into education today, the overcrowding of classrooms, and making it hard to find a teaching job that this is not the best career path to take for myself and my family.

     I am proud of myself and of all of my accomplishments, including my Associate's Degree.  Now it is time to move onto bigger and better things with my life.  This all begins at University of Alaska-Anchorage.(http://www.uaa.alaska.edu)  I will become the first person in my immediate family to have a Bachelor's Degree.  This will become quite an accomplishment for myself and I look to the future and to achieving this dream.  With my family supporting me all of the way, who knows what the future holds for me?

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

     Another year has come and gone so here I sit early in the morning attempting to make another update to this blog.  I don't really know if anyone reads this or not, but I keep trying to update it at least once a month, so here is this month's  post. 
     The year 2013 was a year of major changes for my family and I.  The year began with my wife who was six months pregnant at the time being put on bed rest for reasons I will not get into.  The next change was a move, as we left our home and moved into another, this even meant changing wards.  We left a ward that we absolutely loved and had and still have great friends and went to another.  With my wife's bed rest even came a ten day stay in the hospital, which to be honest scared me a lot.  This is something I never want to experience again.  I am not very good at being alone.
     March saw my wife and I become parents, as our little girl was born in early March via C-section.  Becoming a parent has become one of the biggest blessings and challenges in my life, but my daughter is absolutely worth it.  Just seeing her smile and hearing her laugh makes my day.  In May my father and oldest nephew came to Alaska for my daughter's baby blessing and it was great to be able to spend five whole days with them and show them some of Alaska.  I hope to see them again soon.  In May my wife went back to work so this meant I got to be alone with my young daughter and to be perfectly honest with you, I did not do so well.  I was totally lost on how to take care of a newborn, it actually drove me to tears.  Yes, I cried because I did not know how to take care of my daughter.  I guess I am not good at taking care of newborns.  If it wasn't for my mother-in-law helping me and guiding me I would have gone crazy.  The good part is with a lot of practice I have gotten much better at tending my daughter.  Also in May I started a new job.  I now work for Fred Meyer(www.fredmeyer.com) I must say this is a wonderful company to work for and I am a proud employee and will be a loyal shopper of theirs for many years to come. 
     September brought new changes to our stake and the creation of a whole new ward.  Which my family is now in.  We are getting to meet some new wonderful people because of this, so this was now our third ward in 2013.  Hopefully the ward hopping is done for at least 2014.  Also, I received a new calling in October, as I was called to be the Elders Quorum Secretary and a Ward Missionary.
     November saw another big accomplishment in my life as I graduated from University of Phoenix with my Associates Degree in elementary education.  I am so proud of this, I never imagined this happening to me.  I cannot wait to start University of Alaska-Anchorage this coming May.
     With all of the changes in my life in 2013, I cannot wait to see what 2014 will bring.